Thoughts of God

First, I must preface this:
I consider myself spiritual but not extremely religious.
I am Catholic but I am also certain that no one, priest or otherwise, knows the mind of God.

The death of my mother last year has given me reason to ponder the question. I have always considered myself a scientist. As a scientist I cannot deny the clear fact that all creatures on Earth seem to evolve from creatures with a more simple structure. So, as a scientist, I have always used that evidence to support my conclusion that God intended it that way. Then, as I grew older and I saw that the world was not perfect, I started to question whether Jesus was the son of God, just an extraordinary man that was written about in the bible, or if he even existed at all. Soon after I began to question the existence of God at all. After all, scientists seem to have a good bead on how things work…the Big Bang and all.

Then I got older…and maybe, more wise…and I realized that just as a computer is only as good as its programmer, that science is only as good that the scientist who has interpreted the data that he/she is looking at. For the most part, like doctors, I consider that most scientists are intelligent, competent, and without bias…well, I don’t know about the bias any more. Global Warming…Ha_ha.

Now science is pointing to the fact that the Big Bang may not be the end-all/be-all of the universe and that it may not be unique. A theory that I read about many years ago, String Theory, seems to have reemerged and morphed into Membrane Theory (M-Theory). I like this theory for many reasons.

1. First, it pleases both sides of my brain. Unlike Einstein’s theory, it seems to be mathematically complex. It opens the door for the possibility of multiple dimensions and parallel universes.
2. Second, it involves music. There are no particles like electrons or quarks. These things are simply the same tiny strings vibrating at different frequencies. The membrane on which our universe sits is simply the woven fabric of all of these strings.
3. Finally, it allows me to reconsider God. Not the God that is limited to creating man in his own image…although I think that we may hold a special place…but the God that lies outside, inside, and throughout all dimensions and resides in a universe…heaven…that contains all other universes.

Or, I could be wrong…

Whatever the case, I still have faith, I still have hope, and I still believe that love is God’s greatest gift of all. Also, that somehow God gave us Jesus to help us find our way.
Merry Christmas.

Mom - A sad anniversary

My mom was amazing. While my dad worked, sometimes double-shifts, she took care of me and my brother, Donnie, and my sister, Pam. She stopped working as a beautician, a job she truly loved, to take care of us. That was some time ago, before both parents had to work just to make ends meet.

When I stole gum from the local grocery store and she found it in my drawer, she walked me back to the store to return it and apologize to the store manager. That is something that I never forgot and something that I will always love her for.

There are truly too many stories to tell for this little post. I will, on later posts, try to tell more. She was an amazing person. She has the greatest family and the best friends. They were and still are so wonderful through all of the pain.

In the summer of last year, 2007, we all noticed that mom's personality changes were becoming more and more evident that something was wrong. Dad took her to the medical clinic were they did a scan and found the mass on her brain. When we all gathered to get the news from the doctor about what kind of tumor we were dealing with I had a bad feeling that the news was not good. A few years before a friend and co-worker, Dennis Prewitt, was diagnosed with and eventually succumb to a glioblastoma multiforme tumor. At that time I had asked my father-in-law, a surgeon, about this type of tumor. The only words from him were, "I'm sorry". When my mom's doctor said those same words it was all I could do not to break down and cry right there. I did not want to dampen my mom's spirits. She was so certain that she could beet it.

We traveled from Indianapolis to Louisville either every weekend or every other weekend. Every time that I went I was going to say goodbye. I knew that, statistically, I would not be there when she died. Leaving was so hard. I loved her so much.

On this anniversary, I just want to put that out there. I know that she is watching over my shoulder. I just hope that she has good internet in heaven.

November 11, 2008

My blood sugars have really been a mess. I think that this pneumonia must be messing up my sugars. I called the doctor today and they doubled the dose of Novolog (insulin) so that I don't have to pay my co-pay every 15-20 days. Now I will have enough to last for the entire month. That will help because I am paying $200 - $300 per month for my medication as it is now.

Work was extremely boring. The construction industry is seasonal so I think that we have hit our slow season. I work at the Quikrete manufacturing facility here in Indianapolis. I am the plant accountant. Someone's got to do it. When Fred, Bruce, and Jennifer get to talking at the plant, because there is nothing else to do, I end up getting sucked into the conversation. It makes for some interesting conversation as we are all very different but it also makes for a very long day. By 5:00, I was ready to go.

Vikki made my favorite tonight, amatriciana. What a wonderful wife. I was thinking about it at work and she read my mind while I was on the phone with her. A beautiful wife, amatriciana, and wine...life is good.

November, 09, 2008

Well, this was supposed to be an everyday diary type deal but it has not worked out that way.

I am recovering after a diagnosis of pneumonia. I have been coughing for over a month now but just the other day, Wednesday 11/05, I got sick at work and had to go home. I went to the doctor Thursday morning and was given the diagnosis and went home for the rest of the day. She wanted me to take off Friday but I had too much work and no time off. It is Sunday now, the cough still persists, but I do feel better.

Vikki is battling the cough now. She made soup today - Ah! Her wonderful miracle drug of a soup - Tasty and life-giving. She is still working around the house and baking a cake too. What a wonderful wife. I will have to be sure to give her a nice foot rub later.

Sam chose today to go out and get a job raking leaves. I don't trust that he will do a good enough job to deserve getting paid for it. I hope he does well. I can't get out there and help him in my condition. I'm lucky to be upright.

The Colts are playing the Steelers right now. It is not looking good so far. 14-7 and we just went 3-and-out again.

The pugs are expressing there displeasure. It might be the game or it could be that they just want to make noise. I don't know.

October 31, 2008

Well, I missed yesterday. Oh, well.

It's Halloween!!! My favorite non-holiday, holiday.

I seem to be in a really good mood today. I just pored a glass of wine, which Vikki had already done for herself, when I got home from work. I guess Vikki was surprised by my mood because she asked if I had already started drinking before I got home.

Inventory day a work today. Jay, my bosses boss - my boss being John, was from Detroit today. Supply problems from one of our vendors has raised some red flags. Since sand is used in drilling for oil and there has been a recent spike in looking for shale oil, supply is being diverted for that purpose instead of for ours. That kind of stuff interests me. I would have liked to be in that meeting.

I did not get to have lunch with Vikki today. I hate that but it did give me the opportunity to have Mexican for lunch. Vikki abhors Mexican.

The day went fast and now I am wanting for trick-or-treaters. I wish we had set up something more elaborate but maybe next year.

October 29, 2008

I'm not sure how to use this.

How do I separate things from one blog and another...now that I have two.

I think, to start, I will try to post this as a sort of diary. Something, in the past, relegated to little girls so that they can write down their thoughts and aspirations. As I get older I think that it may be a remnant of me after I am gone. Also thoughts that I can use it to remind me of me when me starts to forget about me.

Silliness...I'm sort of good at that.

Today, a work day like any other. I am an accountant at the Quikrete plant here in Indianapolis. Work is starting to slow down for the season and I have no problem finishing my work in the eight hours that I am there. Finishing early today, I found myself distracted by using my skills in Excel to figure out the posting problem that Citizens Gas had with our last payment. We have three separate accounts with them: plant, shop, and office. It seems mundane but I find the detail-oriented nature of that type of work to be a relief compared to the ADHD craziness that my mind goes through in my everyday life.

I got home late and my wonderful wife, Vikki, had made chicken stroganoff for dinner. I helped Sam, my adopted son, with his math homework. And now, here I sit wasting time on the computer.